A problem pressing heavily upon the minds of Americans, which can be seen in so many innocent minds being hurt or crushed beyond the point of use or recognition, rendering political talk gentle and insipid and all forms of art and discourse as artless as they were at the founding of America, is our present loss of jobs to countries that err in their spelling, not having begun with the word “United”, nor ending in the word “States”, nor containing any of the other obligatory syllabic elements that ought to be sandwiched between these metaphorical bookends. I see this burden and I seek to offer relief to a country in the throes of a terrible headache, which, if these simple steps could only be carried out, might finally find that bottle of aspirin it thought lost and entirely used up.
We, as a country, have lost jobs in three ways. Through exporting manufacturing, in search of workers for whom money is less dear or demanded in smaller quantities. Through the importation of similar immigrants to do building and farming in this county, once again for a lesser quantity of currency than American workers might request. And finally through mechanization, which has increased efficiency, output, regularity of product, reduced costs and robbed innocent Americans of their rightfully deserved jobs. All three of these losses are unacceptable, and the danger must be fought on all of these fronts.
Let us make it our goal to eliminate these past follies and to wipe the slate clean. The first problem we ought to seek to overcome, and the one most odious to the average American, would be the trouble of shipping manufacturing oversees. Putting aside those who claim that this saves companies little money due to the costs of shipping, intermittent electricity and manufacturing irregularities, protecting trade secrets and the intransience of manufacturing costs – for to try and prove these facts to multinationals would be a waste of time and effort. And putting aside also those that say the trouble is not the export of jobs but the lack of job regulations to ensure a decent quality of life in those foreigners involved in manufacturing – for if we can’t keep half the world as servants we shall surely make up all the lost jobs in the increased demand for psychologists to counter the blow to our self esteem. So the obvious solution is to put up a military blockade, removing us from world affairs and forcibly preventing any trading ships to enter our ports. It is the only way to be completely sure. Unfortunately a wall, or perhaps a military defensive line, will need to be put up between us and Canada and Mexico as well, to ensure that no goods are snuck in through this way. That may be offensive to our neighbor countries, who might even overreact so much as to claim it a renunciation of former treaties or an act of war. Luckily, once we’ve removed ourselves from world affairs that will no longer be an issue. Many people will be able to get jobs checking all passenger transport allowed past the blockades for any items of foreign manufacture.
Also troubling is the importation of foreigners to work in agriculture, building and low paying summer jobs along the coasts. Luckily, our blockade will be able to prevent the majority of them from making their way in easily, and coupled with a cessation of the issuance of work visas we should be able to cover the majority of this problem with no major or drastic action. However, the lack of direct, drastic action is what got us into this mess in the first place. Therefore, we should be thorough and take steps to remove the areas of the economy these pilfered jobs tend to cluster around. All orchards and other labor intensive agricultural crops will be blocked off by military blockade. All construction projects should be immediately halted until a council can be formed to form a council to manage the ways in which we ought regulate employment in this field. And all coastal resorts and other areas that draw in foreign workers will have to be closed, burned and sanitized to prevent their being rebuilt in the same location. By which, of course, I mean that we must bomb those areas of our coastline out of existence. But the relocation work to find new homes and build them for the dislocated residents of that coast will create a huge number of jobs. Unfortunately the halt on construction will put a damper on that, but exceptions might be made in times of extreme need.
The third and most insidious threat we face as a country is the mechanization of our lives, our work and our manufacturing, which as greatly reduced the amount of work that requires doing in this country. The only obvious way to thwart this mechanization that springs to mind would be to cease the production of electricity in this country, except that which provides for the military blockade and other necessary job producing measures. Without electricity the factories will no longer be able to run in their mechanized, insidious ways. Like a more successful band of English cottagers, we will rid ourselves of the machines that have stolen our jobs and make again the world through the honest labor of Americans, a country founded upon a strong puritan work ethic and the forced slavery of millions.
Let the good work begin, my friends.
* Warning: This is a work of satire. Please do not bomb our coastline, destroy our economy, blockade our oceans or take life too seriously. Thank you for your time. *